Sophia Zhao

I think about the alternate ways my life could’ve ended up all the time. It’s a lot to think about — every decision, big or small, has changed my life in some way. Who even knows what could have happened if I had made different choices.

I’ve always been told by my father that a life with no regrets is not possible — that a life well lived is in part constituted by some degree of regret. Not having any regrets, he always told me, meant one was not taking enough risks or pushing themself enough.

Consequently, I am comfortable with my regrets. I don’t resent them. I am alright with the fact that I have, at times, ordered the burger when I really wanted the pasta. At other times, I’ve skipped out on one social event for another and wound up missing what would’ve been a really valuable experience. 

For the most part, though, I don’t regret my decisions. I’m just curious about what would have happened if I hadn’t made the choices I had.

I’ll start simple.

What would have happened if I had never joined my local swim team?

The only reason I joined the team was because my best friend, Kelsey, really wanted to, and said she couldn’t do it without me. Ironically, she wound up quitting about two years later while I swam continuously through senior year of high school. Along the way I picked up water polo, which I still play now at Yale.

If I had never joined the swim team, I suspect I would have continued playing soccer. I would have eventually joined the school team and a local travel team. I would never have met the incredible people I’ve swum with, although I have no doubt I’d have met many other amazing people. I’d probably be a better runner, too.

Now onto a more serious question.

I changed schools twice throughout my life. I’ve always wondered what would have happened if I hadn’t switched schools after the sixth grade, from a French international school to a public magnet school.

I have no doubt I would speak much better French. I would likely have also learned German, and I might know more philosophy and art history than I do as it stands.

These are qualities of this alternate version of myself that I’m a bit envious of. I’m sure, though, that this Anna 2.0 would have some negative qualities too. I’d never have become involved in music as deeply as I did, given that the French school had no band program. I wouldn’t trade my experience with music for the world.

I also wouldn’t trade the wealth of diversity in the people I met for the world. The French school had a fairly homogeneous population, despite the many foreign students always cycling in and out, bringing chic new French slang and cigarettes with them.

The biggest what-if that I’ve been thinking about lately is my decision to attend Yale.

It feels impossible to predict what kind of experience I’d be having anywhere else. In fact, it feels impossible to even imagine choosing anywhere other than Yale.

All I know for sure is that this other version of myself at some other college would not be having the conversations — ranging from philosophical to silly — I get to have in the Morse dining hall. This other Anna would not know the transcendental experience of slipping and falling in an epic attempt to stop the ball during IM broomball. She wouldn’t understand the experience of forgetting which carrel she left her stuff in the stacks, and she wouldn’t know the joy of winning at ping pong in the buttery.

Whatever may be happening to this alternate version of myself, I wouldn’t want to trade places with her.

I’ll never know how Anna 2.0 really turned out, but I’m alright with that. I’m sure she has regrets of her own. For me, I’m happy where I am, settled into a suspiciously comfortable chair in Bass Library.