My ex-LDR knows that the semester is ending soon, and they’ve been hitting me up at ungodly hours. Do I give in?
-Ho(m)eForTheHolidays
Though I personally do not intend on seeing anyone from my hometown’s jingle bells this year, Sex on the WKND is ready to help you satiate your holiday horniness.
Chances are, if you dropped your partner, you dropped them for a reason. But maybe the sex was legendary; if that’s the case, go for it — but former multi-year partners do not make the best friends with benefits. Certain people in the Sex on the WKND Extended Universe have fell into this trap before. Save yourself before you end up like them.
If the rest of my readers, like most Yalies, did not enter any high school relationships, no need to fret. Winter recess is the perfect chance to recreate those young love vibes. Living in your parents’ house. Kissing in cars. Getting handy on the softball field. It’s like you’re 17 again but not in the weird Matthew Perry to Zac Efron way.
Despite the possibilities, holiday hookups are tricky. They don’t have the same appeal as a summer fling — the notoriously family-oriented and freezing season doesn’t exactly scream “sexy” — but they come with some legitimate perks. The break is short enough that it’ll be really hard to get attached. The break is also short enough so that if someone does get attached, you have an easy way out. You don’t get that same reassurance over the summer.
Plus, there are more layers to take off.
First, examine your motivations. I know, real preachy, but the holidays are filled with legitimate danger. And I’m not talking about Christmas tree-related fires — though those are a legitimate danger as well. Here at Sex on the WKND, we encourage you to get hot in the bedroom, not catch fire in your kitchen.
Are you looking for a temporary someone to spend a couple late hours in your bedroom with? Great.
Are you looking for a temporary someone to go see light displays, watch Hallmark movies and ice skate with? Not so great. That, my dear, dear reader, is called a mixed signal. Going through the motions of a relationship while actively avoiding attachment is treacherous territory. If you decide to go through with it anyway, make sure neither of you expect anything more.
After all, there’s just a few letter difference between fucking season and cuffing season.
Now that we have that covered, we can move onto picking your mate. There are many archetypes of people from home. Trust me — I made a list and checked it twice.
- Popular kid at high school #1: The ex-football player that “would’ve gone pro” if he didn’t fracture his left ring finger during the rivalry game junior year.
- Popular kid from high school #2: The “ vape girl” that is now involved with a health-related pyramid scheme. Talk to her about how powdered green juice changed her life!
- Nerd from high school #1: Band kid who disappeared off the face of the planet for two years, only to come back hot with a full-time, six-figure job.
- Nerd from high school #2: Band kid who still talks about the unjust treatment of band kids as if it was a minority group. Likely worships Elon Musk.
- Kid from high school who became a realtor too fast for it to possibly be legal.
- Former academic rival — Sex on the WKND stans enemies to lovers. Get back at them for scoring one point higher than you on an AP Physics 2 test junior year.
- The lost love you Turkey Dropped first semester of first year. You’ve both fucked other people since then and can get reacquainted with your new skills.
- Full-grown adult person who probably went to your high school, just ten years before you. They’re hot, until you realize they had every opportunity imaginable and still decided to settle down in your hometown.
- The girl you sing karaoke with at a ski lodge on New Year’s eve that disappears before you can talk to her. But wait! She transfers to your high school in January and you fall deeply in love.
- Whoever is standing next to you on New Year’s Eve. Anyone is fair game when the clock strikes 12.
So stock up on holiday spirits and take a hefty swig — you’re about to end up on the naughty list. But remember to wrap your package. After all, you don’t want your chestnuts roasting on an open fire.