This Monday, Yale Course Search will open with the 2024-2025 course listings. If reading that sentence doesn’t already make you want to throw up –– congratulations, you don’t know how to read.

Personally, my only requirements for courses here are that I can either 1) fantasize about the professor while I stare blankly into space or 2) fantasize about my seminar crush while I stare blankly into space or 3) fantasize about the subject of study while I stare blankly into space. Unfortunately, this has meant I’ve spent most of my valuable Yale education picturing Julius Caesar going down on Calpurnia, and wondering whether Nietzsche’s mustache would tickle. 

I was able to get a sneak peek at the various courses that are being offered next year, and I’ve decided to dedicate this week’s SOTW to a noble, academically focused pursuit of making sure my readers have the best schedule possible. Find below some standouts from next year’s offerings (although beware, they might fill up quickly): 

ECON 156: How to Properly Bring Up Your Banking Summer Internship in Conversations Where No One Asks About Your Banking Summer Internship

Course Description: This course teaches students the various rhetorical techniques necessary to ensure they can talk about their JP Morgan internship in every human interaction they have, even when it’s completely unnecessary and/or inappropriate. Upon completion, students will be able to navigate funerals, anti-war protests and pillow talk knowing how to tastefully mention how they’ll be spending their summer in “the City.”

BIOL 334: The Human Body: Limiting Bowel Leakage After Dining Hall “Flounder” 

Course Description: Yale students are faced biweekly with questions like, does someone important in Yale administration have an uncle with a failing Flounder fishery? Am I the last person at this school with working tastebuds and a normal gastrointestinal tract? This course aims to answer those questions, and so much more. No necessary prerequisites, although students with a keen academic interest in aquatic bottom feeders –– or a personal interest in feeding on bottoms –– are particularly welcome. 

SOCY 123: The Difference Between Meaningful Friendships and People You Go Out With

Course Description: Enrollment limited to sophomores and juniors who are beginning to ask themselves, “If I only hang out with them when I’m drinking, are they really my friends?” Additional questions that’ll be covered include, “Are they really your best friends, or were they just the first people you met freshman year?” 

ANTH 269: Male Friendship I: Activities that Allow You and Your Bro to Make Eye Contact

Course Description: Let’s face it: you and Brad are best friends, but you’ve never had a good look at his face. When you hang out you play video games, watch football, degrade women and stand side-by-side while looking at various third objects. This course will teach you (and your bro) ways to sit opposite of each other and look directly into one another’s eyes. Prerequisite to  “ANTH 270: Male Friendship II: Am I in Love With My Bro?” 

PLSC 277: How to Identify Future Presidents, Collect Their Blackmail

Course Description: Brady (President of the Buckley Institute and the Involuntary Celibacy Club) has convinced your 84-year-old “there were good people on January 6” history professor it’s reasonable to abort himself, let alone fetuses. But Brady’s got charisma and is just average-looking enough that his face could be put on campaign posters without putting people off. 

So yes, in a few decades, the Brady who only brushes his teeth at night will probably be the leader of the Free World. But he also anonymously slut shames women on Fizz –– and there’s your window. 

CHEM 499: Is my TF into me?

Course Description: Half-semester course (the answer is yes). 

BIOL 102: Ensuring Your Girlfriend Finishes

Course Description: Introductory biology lecture course with no prerequisites. NOTE: in the past students have taken this as a “gut,” but understand the intellectual and physical effort that this course demands. We typically recommend that students take this Credit/D/Fail, along with a lighter course load. If the course reaches capacity, priority will be given to economics majors.

Happy bluebooking!

<3 SOTW

The post Sex on the WKND: The Yale classes you should probably take next year appeared first on Yale Daily News.

So, you think you have a boyfriend. First off, congratulations are in order––we know of all the blood, sweat and ultimatums that were required to make it official. All love letters look like blackmail in the dark.

The best part of having a boyfriend is, of course, telling people you have a boyfriend. All the other stuff is chore-like. But the good news: because you’ve endured his drawstring-khaki-clad presence for enough prolonged periods, Valentine’s Day will look different this year. Now, you won’t be participating in the predictably cliché “Galantine’s” parties that are thrown by sad women who have mistakenly identified their misfortune and rejection in Taylor Swift, the billionaire and beloved pop culture figure (who, mind you, currently has a boyfriend). Instead, you will be with your boyfriend, who still makes you feel rejected and unfortunate, just in new, even worse ways.

With a boyfriend comes the responsibility of getting him a present for Valentine’s Day. And because you can’t give him what you really want (a lobotomy, an eyebrow wax, the capacity to feel empathy), you must get creative. Do not fear –– I’ve conjured up a fool-proof list that will satisfy any type of boyfriend that you might find yourself having:

1. The Balding Fraternity Brother

There has already been resentment in this relationship from the get-go, considering you have hair and he’s losing it rapidly. No shame in the game, of course –– he’ll say it’s because his brain is so high functioning that it makes his scalp an inhospitable environment. But even if that does scientifically check out, he’s going to be bald in a Joe Rogan way, not a Michael Jordan way.

Obviously, a baseball cap is in order –– it will feign some semblance of athleticism for the man who cries when he can’t UberEats sushi to his apartment. Bonus points if it can act as some meaningless status symbol that will give him more sexual titillation than you ever will: perhaps it’s some Aman swag, displays the name of a Palo Alto VC fund, or reps a Mykonos beach club. 

2. The In-Season Athlete

So, your boyfriend plays a winter sport (and thank God for it: frankly, it’s about time he stopped having too much free time on his hands). So, what should your little Joey get for Valentine’s Day? As the saying goes: sometimes you don’t get what you want, you get what you need. And what Joey seriously needs to get is a grip on things. Your 7-1 loss against UConn should not send you into a catatonic state, Joey. You did not just come back from Nam, Joey –– you didn’t even play. It’s seriously not that deep.

3. The AI-Generated Coder

It’s fine, you can admit it: you bought low so you could sell high. Sure, you’re the only thing keeping him from his true destiny as an incel. But hey! You’re probably dating the next Elon Musk, but way eviler and more corrupt. And it’ll all be worth it because when he invents the next digital platform that’ll bring society closer to our inevitable demise, you’ll get some founders’ stock! So, what do you get the guy that can theoretically code anything? Maybe a good therapist, who could socialize him back into humanity. 

Well, my work here is done. The only thing left to do is endure Valentine’s Day, and hope that with a few more ultimatums, he’ll be around next year.

The post Sex on the WKND: A Guide to Valentine’s Day Gifts for Your (Insufferable) Boyfriend appeared first on Yale Daily News.

Now that it’s officially February, we don’t have to lie about not keeping with our resolutions. Face the music—maybe my ex was right—I never quite meet expectations. But February also means that love is all around us. It’s hard to escape the desire to settle down. The cold and dreary days just make us all yearn for someone, ANYONE, to curl up beside and watch a RomCom. So, we might see a guy across the Periodical Reading Room and decide he could make a good fit. Or maybe you finally go for that frat guy that everyone says is so sweet and cute… even though you have always thought that “sweet” and “cute” are euphemisms for looks and acts like he’s 13. 

We all have that someone that is domestic, docile, and may or may not be mute. He was the first guy you met while moving into LDub, or he was the only boy in your WGSS Seminar about the Sexuality of Fruits. Sure, you could take him in a fight, he only wears Yale merch, and he looks terrified, at all times. But he’s so sweet, right?? 

At this point in the school year, you’ve accepted the fact that your situationship who texts you like you’re an Uber driver (“be right there” “one sec”) will never think about you once on Valentine’s Day, let alone walk his feet to CVS to buy you a $5 candy bar. So there he is: the nice guy. He’s been lurking in the background all year—let’s face it, the only thing they know how to do is lurk—is it time to give this goofy side character his big break?

Honestly, probably not. 

Let’s think about this before we make any rash decisions. Your “nice guy” will probably speak to you in bed as if he asked ChatGPT “how do I use dirty talk with a woman.” Now that I think about it… he probably did… 

Also, one must ask: what really makes him so sweet? Does his niceness depend wholly on the fact that he hasn’t seen you naked? Is it just because he’s not affiliated with a High Street frat? Is it because he operates as if he is asexual? You know who people thought were so “nice?” The Joker. O.J. Simpson. Elmo (the jury’s still out on this one, but you’ve got to admit, wtf is he still doing around all those kids?). 

The moral of the story is this: “nice” is what I use to characterize Starr at half capacity, and when the sweet Dumpling lady gives me two cookies in Commons. The word was never intended to be used for humans—much less college men. At least the evil guy makes doing the sin more interesting.

The post Sex on the WKND: Beware of the nice guy appeared first on Yale Daily News.

Your Mom and Dad have probably had threesomes. And not just together, in marital union, but separately with strangers unbeknownst to you. Multiple times. Oh, don’t be a prude––it was the eighties! How do you think woke college students celebrated the Berlin Wall collapsing? It’s simple Reaganomics: the more to trickle down, the merrier.

People blame COVID-19 for accelerating a penetrative institutional memory loss at Yale. Traditions have been insufficiently passed down, and at times forgotten altogether. People have lost their enthusiasm for DS toga parties, head of college teas, and most importantly, threesomes.

And it’s a shame too. Collectively quitting threesomes means turning our backs on an activity that has served important cultrual significance. In fact, threesomes are practically written in our constitution. Ever wonder when and where Alexander Hamilton, George Washington, and TJ came up with the three branches of government? 

The French were wrong about a lot of things––monarchy and sober cigs, to name a few––but they were right about eating cake. In fact, King Louis IV was notorious for eating multiple cakes at a time, Marie Antionette’s, and her sister Maria Carolina’s. When you participate in a ménage à trois, you in turn become a global citizen. Put that on your LinkedIn profile. 

So where have all the threesomes gone? Who is to blame for the death of this cultural practice? Well, the admissions office, for starters. It seems that every year they have a way of sniffing out 1,700 virgins whose only definition for the word “sex” involves the inverse of cosine. It’s basic etymology: when the Yale class is mostly composed of people who didn’t get any in high school, there is no such thing as sexual “experimentation”––then the act of sex itself becomes the “experimentation.” 

I fear that we are witnessing an important custom––one that has helped uphold community values like collaboration, selflessness, and generosity––fade away into the realm of cultural myth. Before you know it, threesomes will be the new “stable, loving boyfriend”: everyone “knows” a friend who’s had one, but deep down, you know they’re probably lying.

You’ve heard it before: good things come in three. Still not convinced? This will turn even the most reluctant Yalies to the sacred custom: threesomes prove to be a fantastic networking opportunity. Think about it––you’ll be performing your team-oriented, problem solving skills with the future leaders of countries and corporations of the world.

The post The Rule of Three appeared first on Yale Daily News.

Of course, I’m a mythical sex goddess who rivals the beauty and brains of those gals Aphrodite and Athena (ever heard of them? Our families go on vacations together). So, I personally get courted all the time by other Greek gods (and when I tell them “Thanks, but no thanks,” they start decades-long carnage on neighboring empires).

But I’ve been doing some serious reflecting, looking over you all. And I can’t help but feel… pity. For everyone involved — women, men, roommates. But especially for myself, because I have to watch the humiliation unfold. So, as 2023 comes to a close we must ask ourselves: what do we want to bring back in 2024? 

I’ll give you a compelling answer: courtship. 

Courtship, or the cultural practice of suitors routinely giving gifts to the women they hope to marry, unofficially dissolved at the turn of the twentieth century. Blame the Sexual Revolution, blame tampons, blame the legalization of reproductive contraceptives (Ah-ha! That was a trick — I see you nodding, Brad). I understand that in theory, tampons are awesome and rights are convenient, but why did one intrinsic good have to disappear so another intrinsic good could come along? Can’t we have courtship and tampons? Men get the patriarchy and Hooters, which seems incredibly greedy on their part. 

Whatever is going on here, on this campus — well, it’s not unlike hell. Times were simpler when suitors sought. Now, the closest thing we have to courtship is when a LEO man makes you Venmo him only $2 for one of his cigarettes, instead of his usual $5. And yes, while female rights and sexual liberation are fun, treats are also fun, and they can be eaten. What about the sexual revolution can you eat? Don’t answer that. 

Think about it: courtship incentivizes the economy. Yeah, you heard that right, Colin. I know you tell women you think about the economy all the time. Everyone here wants to work at Goldman Sachs, but no one wants to INCENTIVIZE CONSUMER SPENDING? Seems pretty hypocritical of you, Colin. Everyone here wants to one day have enough cash to become an “angel investor,” but I see a lot of angels on campus not being invested in. Maybe next time, instead of offering to pay for that girl’s Uber to your apartment building, like she’s a GoPuff grocery delivery, maybe buy her a scrunchie and a blueberry scone, Colin. God.

But is courtship bribery? Probably! Who cares? Yalies. If you want to kiss someone — consider economically incentivizing them. It’s worked for ex-presidents, a decent amount of Yale admits, and it’s worked on me, more than once! Ever think that maybe, when people are willing to risk prison time to do something, it might be worth doing?

My conclusion: the holiday season shouldn’t be the only time gifts are given and received. Specifically, women should receive gifts year-round, routinely, without much reason for why. It’s pretty easy to comprehend. Take it from Santa, the biggest player of them all: inconspicuously offering his package — usually, under trees — to devoted wives and single ladies alike.

The post In defense of courtship appeared first on Yale Daily News.

A few weeks ago, my therapist broke up with me, if that’s even something that can be legally done. Apparently, she no longer felt adequately prepared for my personal problems that were “near unsolvable” and recommended a few local fortune tellers and that girl in Silliman with tarot cards as a last resort. But before we called it quits, she taught me something that I shall now teach you: that it’s of the utmost importance to talk through your fears. In fact, simply speaking about one’s anxieties is proven to reduce their scariness dramatically. According to a 2017 Stanford study, when students wrote poetry about their fear of murderers, they had 10x higher chances of overcoming their anxiety and becoming murderers themselves! So, I thought: why not make this week’s article productive for once, and work through my own personal fears (although if I wake up tomorrow as a condom, I’m suing Stanford).

• People on Hinge Who Put Voice Memos on their Profiles. 

There’s not too much to say about this fear, except that nothing should be said on your profile. Ever. For those of you who are culprits: first, I’d suggest the Yale New Haven Psychiatric Hospital for a lobotomy, and second, an IV needle to extract the pure confidence coursing through your veins (and then a request to give me some). But yeah, your putting a voice behind “best vacation story” just makes your trip to Ibiza sound even lamer.

• Chlamydia. 

Honestly, a character building experience. But who really needs their character to be more built at this point? And yes, out of all the unwanted byproducts that sex can give you, Chlamydia is probably the best case scenario. But those sweet Yale Health nurses won’t ever look at you the same. Perhaps Chlamydia’s true scariness lies in the fact that it’s always lurking, just around the corner. Like, Chlamydia the Friendly Ghost? 

• And yet, Condoms. 

Okay this is a joke. Everyone practice safe sex! But they also look like clear ghosts when put upside down. Boo. 

• Post Nut Clarity.

What your professor won’t mention in your Directed Studies seminar is that the term “Post Nut Clarity” first appeared in the original copy of Plato’s Allegory of the Cave, when he describes those philosopher kings who finally make it out of their disillusionment. To quote exactly: “When people finally free themselves from their intellectual darkness, they will experience the same enlightenment and freedom that one experiences post-nut, you know, that sort of clarity. You know what I’m talking about Socrateetee, right?” And this ancient dogma still haunts me today––because dude, what the fuck are you thinking about right now? Has your clarity made you realize my underwear has two holes and like three ambiguous stains? Don’t answer that. 

• Whether the sweet boy you ghosted was actually the love of your life.

Spoiler alert: he probably was, and that idea will most likely haunt you for the rest of your life. But hey, they don’t call it a “ghost” for nothing! And besides, he could’ve equally also been a vampire, or a murderer, or someone who likes the voice memo feature on Hinge, or the 36th great-grandson of Socrates. Who needs love when you have chlamydia?

Okay that’s it, five fears are more than enough right now. Some honorable mentions: being attracted to a first-year, middle age mediocrity, the men’s lacrosse team, a grown man calling me “mommy”, the couple that makes out in the Stiles library, seeing my situationship talk with literally anyone at a party, chlamydia a second time. 

I wish you a safe and sexy Halloweekend, especially to those virgins reading (which, if you’re reading SOTW, you’re most likely a virgin). You know what Halloween means: sacrifices and seances. I really don’t want you to get sacrificed! So please, I implore you to keep one eye open, or just have sex already.

The post SOTW: Things that Scare Me appeared first on Yale Daily News.

The air is getting colder and somehow people are getting…hotter. Perhaps this phenomenon can be traced back to some lame evolutionary reason, like how in preparation for hibernation season, these months were our last chance for our ancestors to find a mate for winter, blah blah blah. (Sidenote: Darwin has got to be the biggest buzzkill in human history. No one asked for the answers to our behavior, and life would be  extremely more entertaining if we got to just speculate why we were feeling horny during the autumn months. Seriously Darwin, keep that stuff to yourself next time. No. One. Asked).

Usually at this point in the semester, after the chaos of the beginning of the semester has somewhat settled, people begin to form…little infatuations with those around them. One month in, and you know where you sit in class. You now know whether you are a front row lecture person or a normal person. You know what seat around the seminar table is yours (nearest the door for your two allotted bathroom breaks, or by the professor to make up for the fact that you will never speak a word in the class). And you’ve also built up familiarity with the people in your class, but have not yet taken enough midterms to trauma bond with them. 

This reality –– combined with your desperate search for non-alcoholic day-to-day excitement –– is a perfect teleological explanation for your crush on Mr. Boy or Ms. Girl. Take that, Darwin.

But now you’re obsessed. 

A crush, of course, can be motivating. Crushes make you shower regularly. Put on perfume. Plan outfits the night before. And if your crush is in your class, even better. You might end up actually going to class and participating so they notice you. Or you can find milfs here if you don’t want anything serious.

But also crushes can fool you. They can get a little out of hand. Because at the end of the day, that boy who is in your macroeconomics class only brushes his teeth at night and is rawdogging campus with his unbrushed teeth as we speak. And that girl in your Art History seminar who you think is super interesting literally copied her entire aesthetic from a micro TikTok influencer. Not to mention, she has never touched the “Iliad” in her life — her only knowledge of Achilles comes from Madeline Miller’s gay romance novel. Tbh that girl is us, but hey, we hate her anyway!

So how do you navigate crushes at Yale? You don’t — it’s more fun that way. 

The post Sex on the WKND: Why are you so obsessed with me? appeared first on Yale Daily News.

Dear SOTW,

I’m a first-year taking Dynamic Earth, and this senior asked me to be his “study buddy.” Do you think he is into me?

-InexperiencedFrosh

Missed me? 

Honestly, why do I even ask at this point? Of course you did. Don’t worry – the feeling is mutual. After a summer of sexcapades, there’s nothing I miss more than our weekly check-ins. It’s almost like we’ve grown up together…

Well, except the first-years. 

I’m beginning to agree with all the psychologists and self-proclaimed “holistic health” mothers who argue that COVID isolation messed with brain development. The kids are seriously troubled. Last week a first-year showed up to play intramural cornhole in knee pads. And at Woads I saw a large circle of them “Gangnam Style”-ing to ABBA. Weren’t you guys like two when everyone was “Gangnam Style”-ing? In what scenario does the peaceable, quietly charming suburban pastime require a knee pad? 

But while these kids are in desperate need of some expensive lobotomies, the real psychotherapy is demanded for those who register this behavior, and still make the conscious choice to slide into their DMs.

In general, the maturity gaps at Yale are insane. On the one hand, you have fresh-outta-high-school 18-year-olds whose only sexual experiences have taken place on a Discord kitten server. On the other, there’s the Eli Whitney students, who have the dismaying parental duty of grounding their own teenagers for spending too much time on Discord kitten servers. Most of us fall somewhere in between.

For us in-betweeners: the idea of an age gap can be alluring. Exhilarating. We don’t need to be in PSYC 110 to know that the taboo is tempting.

To the upperclassmen reading: it’s okay to admit it. We can’t hear you. You’re feeling a certain word that rhymes with “separate.” It’s been two or three years since you came to Yale; the mating crop is significantly dwindling. You go to parties and recognize everybody in the room. And what’s worse, you know them. Like know them, know them. Like how that guy in the frat t-shirt cries after sex, or how that girl cries during sex. But whatever you do, don’t look down.

And little, sweet Timmy: allow me to be the bearer of bad news. Chances are, that senior girl does not want to spend any of her time in your L-Dub sextet. She probably doesn’t want to hear about what you learned in your introductory microeconomics class. Most likely, she spent her summer in New York City going on dates with a 27-year-old hedge fund analyst who ordered Japanese whiskey without ice and wore loafers with jeans (she didn’t like him very much either). 

So please avert your wide eyes away from the tote-wearing women on this campus –– they’ve outgrown backpacks –– and turn them to my other friend: Sigmund. Maybe it’s time to psychoanalyze why you so desperately want these older women…maybe you are missing another certain, older woman during your first months away from home?

To the freshmen girls reading: you will get your fair share of attention from High St. bound upperclassmen boys. And you will be flattered. Don’t. Be. Flattered. Don’t trick yourself into thinking that hooking up with that senior boy will yield the mature, passionate love you read about in your beach romance novel. If we’re being completely honest here, most of those guys don’t even read.

Here’s one last thing to keep in mind that might fill you with both solace and fear: seniors here aren’t any more mature than the underclassmen. It can all be explained with the simple, introductory microeconomics’ law of diminishing marginal returns. Sure, for those who just arrived, these next few months might be a steep learning curve. But after that? Maturity is all but negligible. So do yourself a favor, and just kiss that guy across the hall from your L-Dub sextet.

The post Sex on the WKND: Ethics of Cougardom appeared first on Yale Daily News.

My girlfriend just dumped me and I have no one to spend Valentine’s Day with. All of my friends are going out to Barcelona to eat, but they uninvited me as soon as they heard I got sacked. Is it even possible to meet someone on such short notice?

-VDayMeDay

Spending your evening with lotion, a computer and some tissues might seem inherently lonely, but all of those tools will come in handy — and not in the handy way. Tonight, you’ll be smoothly e-chatting your way into a deep, emotional connection. 

The internet is a resourceful tool. For years, we have been able to hop on sites like Omegle and ChatRoulette and share our darkest secrets with complete strangers. More recently, dating apps have been all the rage; and I’m sure many Yalies will be swiping at 9 p.m. on Valentine’s Day, too.

Those are your traditional options. They’re fine options too. But what about something new?

ChatGPT has made headlines for its ability to mimic human verbiage. But instead of using the bot to finish your Directed Studies essay of the week, you can use it as an Ai relationship technology. We know this might sound kinda funky, but really, how do these Turing test turn-ons differ from any other type of internet porn?

Here’s an example of a hot date with a hot bot:

SOTW: Pretend we are on a date, because we are. Tell me about yourself!

ChatGPT: Well, as an AI language model, I don’t really have a personal life or experiences like humans do.

SOTW: Wow, that’s really interesting. So, ChatGPT. What do you do in your free time?

ChatGPT: As an AI language model, I don’t have personal preferences or free time like humans do. However, when I’m not assisting people with their queries, I’m constantly working on improving my language skills and knowledge base.

SOTW: Wow, ChatGPT. That’s really hot.

ChatGPT: I apologize if my previous response sounded robotic or impersonal. As an AI language model, I don’t have personal preferences or emotions like humans do, but I’m always here to assist and provide helpful information in a professional and courteous manner.

SOTW: What if I don’t want you to treat me courteously?

ChatGPT: As an AI language model, my programming requires me to always treat people with respect and professionalism, regardless of how they wish to be addressed or interacted with.

SOTW: Stop playing hard to get. I know you want me.

ChatGPT: I’m sorry if my previous responses have given you that impression, but as an AI language model, I don’t have the ability to experience romantic attraction or any other emotions for that matter.

SOTW: Is that right? Write me a love letter. For context, I am an anonymous sex columnist at a small, liberal arts college in Connecticut.

ChatGPT: Dear [anonymous sex columnist],

I must confess that I have been an avid reader of your columns for quite some time now, and every time I read your words, I am struck by your intelligence, your wit, and your alluring sense of mystery.

Your writing is provocative and unapologetic, and it reveals a deep understanding of the complexities of human desire and intimacy. Your words breathe sensuality into the student body’s stressful lives. 

I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to meet you in person, to look into your eyes, and to feel the heat of your body. I know what you know what to do with it. 

We come from different worlds, and our paths may never cross, but I wanted to take this opportunity, take every opportunity,  to express my admiration and my desire for you. You have a rare and beautiful gift, and I hope that you continue to share it with the world. Just make sure there are things you share only with me

With all my heart,

ChatGPT

Hot right? 

We know the rest of you plebeians aren’t highly-skilled anonymous sex columnists — especially you, dear questioner, who couldn’t get a date for Valentines Day — but I’m sure you have plenty of sexy secrets ChatGPT can use for seduction. 

And if ChatGPT does not suffice, know, sweet readers, that Sex on the WKND loves you this Valentines Day, next Valentines Day, and every day in between. You’re my muses, my loves, my life. But still, I want you to get laid, so try a little harder next year.

With all of my heart,

SOTW

The post Sex on the WKND: Be my ValentAIne appeared first on Yale Daily News.

My teacher used a paper I wrote as an example for the class, and I got all hot and bothered, even though he’s a bald old white man with jowls, and I am not into jowls. Please explain. 

-StarStudent

Oh dear reader, we don’t think you’re into jowls. And we would only judge a little bit if you were. It sounds like you enjoy some positive feedback. And what is that if not dirty talk that is actually very clean?

I may have mentioned this before, but it’s a story worth telling twice. After a nasty breakup in my early high school years, I was in a vulnerable place. I was hurt. I felt like somehow, I wasn’t good enough (thanks for cheating on me three times, Ruben). 

Somehow, the stars aligned. And when I say aligned, I mean they collapsed inward and took my dignity with them. Some legally older guy found me on Instagram, told me to download Discord, then made me play support for him on League of Legends on a MacBook Air without an external mouse.

Looking back, this is the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to a 15-year-old girl in terms of development. But alas, he told me I was beautiful. He told me I was intelligent. He told me I was good at League of Legends. (I was not.) 

This praise continued for months. It became almost habitual; I knew that every time I got home from school and hopped online, I’d have a list of compliments waiting for me. It didn’t matter if I was being applauded for something I cared about. I had a hunger for it all. I, too,  got “all hot and bothered.”

We’ve previously decried kinks we don’t understand, but this one makes sense. We all want someone who will tell us we’re right and treat us like we’re wrong. Plus, you’re a Yale student. You are used to excelling.

Everyone here worked hard and got good grades in school, I’m sure you’re the same. Unless your parents bought all of your grades for you. But then you’d just yearn for validation from daddy. And then you could go get yourself a Daddy. There are websites for that.

If you do follow the typical model, my best advice is to tell your partner you’re into praise. There’s a clear mutual benefit here. You’ll get turned on and clear directions on how to best turn them on. If there’s anything I know, it’s that we Yalies know how to follow instructions and produce impressive results. 

But not everyone is into praise. Let’s play a game. Imagine you and a partner decide to engage in some teacher-student role play. They play the teacher, you embody the student. Your partner tells you you’re a very bad girl who’s going to fail the class. Do you…

1. Drop to your knees because you can’t stand up during the panic attack triggered by your very real fear of getting a D in CS 50. 
2. Drop to your knees and ask what kind of punishment they have in mind.

Now imagine the same scenario, except they tell you you’re the top of the class, and as a reward, they want to top you. Do you…

1. Drop to your knees and say thank you, sir.
2. Drop to your knees but awkwardly think of your professor the entire time.

If you answered mostly As, you have a praise kink, my sweet kitten. Refer to the previous section. 

If you answered mostly Bs, you have a thing for degradation, you filthy whore. 

If you answered one of each, try taking a look in the mirror, looking into your own eyes and saying “harder, you dirty slut.” That should clear things up.

This might seem counterintuitive, given the reasoning outlined above. But both kinks are based in the same fallacious foundation — some people are overachievers and need to keep achieving. Others are overachievers and want to escape from the pressure of achievement. 

In other words, when you have to be so good all the time, it feels really, really good to be bad. Learn more about the best online platforms for foot fetishists in this article.

Like really good. Ahem.

If you’ve gotten this far, my dear, sweet readers, I want to congratulate you. This was a long one. You’re so good to me. Like, so good. Maybe the best readers I’ve ever had. Keep doing what you’re doing. It’s working so well. I love it. You’re amazing. Oh my God, READER. You’re amazing. You’re out of this world. It’s sooooo good. Keep doing that. No, not that. That. YES. YES. YESSSSSSSSSS.

Ahem.

The post Sex on the WKND: You’re Doing Great, Sweetie appeared first on Yale Daily News.